Self awareness

I miss knowing myself, why I choose certain things and am the way I am, knowing the root of a feeling and being able to deal with it straightaway.

youth obsessed

It's unfortunate that we're a society largely obsessed with youth, surrounded around how we look, and how advancing age is something we don't want to come. It's swirled around the notion of beauty, which is also something that's prized and associated with youth mostly. Perhaps it's part of a primal thing in that we're drawn to attractiveness because it's pleasing and may make us feel good. While family is frustrating sometimes, it's nice that part of the culture gives respect to elders and assumes that with age comes wisdom (which may also be untrue). Also with age comes the notion that time is running out - that you should have done this and that or else you won't have enough time to do it - wasting time and life itself. But this is probably just the point of life. I think we're sometimes tricked into believing that something more is what we should have, but life as ordinary is life itself, and that's OK. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't keep evolving, growing, striving.

talking

I'm not sure why being quiet is considered a negative, I guess mostly from people who aren't considered quiet, which is probably most people. Sometimes you just don't know what to say, don't need to say anything, don't want to say anything or truly just have nothing to say. It's been a little bit hard to really connect with people and truly be present in many conversations lately. I'm hoping to regain that part of me...to be less inhibited and really not care about what other people think or how I'll be perceived. I think there is a hurt that is healing as well, which makes openness a frightening thing. But to be trusting again feels good, feels right.

Sometimes (well not that often) you feel as if you can pull something out of the air and the conversation ebbs and flows and you feel an invisible line with another person. That whatever you say will be OK, it doesn't matter if you're eloquent or not, funny or not, deep enough.

Feeling apart

a first-timer

I have made my first foray into the world of blogs; I've always felt that bloggers were self-important, but we're all self-absorbed in our own ways, consumed with our own realities, worries... I didn't realize that you're not supposed to refrigerate tomatoes because it leaches the nutrients or something like that. My tomato plant is bearing fruit that's less than stellar. Perhaps it wasn't watered enough in the beginning or it doesn't get enough sun. I'd like to have a tomato painting hanging in my room. They're one thing I don't think I'll ever get sick of.